What do I have to do?

Awareness comes of being alive. I feel a body I belong to, for now.
"Who am I? Where am I? What do I have to do?"
My first thoughts on awakening remind me of another thought. "I didn't want to come here. I didn't want to come to this planet. Why did I come? What do I have to do?
There is so much pain in my life and I don't like pain. I was not made for pain. Yet, in between, in the simple, quiet moments, there is bliss, there is peace, there is the reason for being here.

I sometimes judge myself for landing the way I did, for not having a career, an education, financial security, for feeling so deeply, for being so effected by life or by people, or for taking so long to grieve my marriage. Then, I remember, I am a good person, a kind loving person. I always try to do the right thing.
When there was very little or no closeness in my marriage, people said, "take a lover!"or "leave him!" There was a day when I was so distraught I thought, "I do everything to be a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, a good person, and I still suffer, still I am not happy. So why not be bad? Why not drink, go out, go find someone to love me?" I was angry and determined. Within minutes, the words of a song came to me from a movie that was playing in my house, "seek yee good and not evil, oh I beg you, my brethren,and cheer up, cheer up, cheer up, cheer up, cheer, oh yeah, yeeeeah!"
It was a Rastafarian man, come out of the woods to deliver these words to me, like he was heaven sent. They broke through the core of me and showed me who I am, someone made to seek heaven on earth, to create heaven on earth.
The part I have the hardest time with, is cheering up. Sustaining the cheer, not enduring the pain, nor doing the right thing, but not succumbing to the weight of the world.

The song ends, "the wages of the Lion is death in Babylon, and the gift of Jah, eternal life in Zion, oh yeah, yeeeaaah."

Zion, or heaven, is the moments in between, the cheer, the bliss. Zion is right here. The eyes of my mind that see suffering are the eyes of deception, the eyes that tell me I should be what I am not, that I should have what I have not. I do not have to look through those eyes. I can look through the eyes of Truth, that say, "this life is a gift. There is everything here to be happy."
What do I have to do?
Choose these eyes! And sing of Zion!